Hope of Heaven

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 05:28:04 GMT

Well Monday I had a job interview at a Christian bookstore, but I won't know anything about it for probably a couple of weeks. *Sigh* who knew finding a job in a city of 120,000 would be this hard!? I put my resume in a couple of other places too so I am just praying that something comes out of it. I am tired of not having a job and not having any money. Maybe I should just move back home and work at the same place my mom does. I could always mail Heather half of the rent each month and she would have this place to herself, but I don't want to leave her along here either. Life is so full of choices and right now I am stuck on what choice to make....

Losing it

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 11:31:04 GMT

I think I'm losing any and all faith that I had. I just can't seem to do anything right as of late and its starting to make me very upset. I am still looking for a job and even though I have prayed, pleaded, and even begged, God for help on this, nothing seems to be coming out of it. It is coming to the end of the month and now I have no job, which means I have no money to pay rent and my bills. And I mean NO money. I can't think of asking my mom again. She's already helped me more than enough and I just hate myself for even thinking about asking her again. And she's already gotten upset with me once for not having a job and what not.

Really, how is this fair to me. How long must God feel He has to test me? I don't understand it all. I've been in tears, I've been angry, I have been happy and just saying that God will grant me a job in time, but nothing has happened. Am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Has God turned his back on me for some strange reason. Does God even exist?! No, I didn't just say that. I know that He does, I know that He love me, I know that He would NEVER turn His back on me. I just feel so lost and alone right now that I don't know what I am going to do. Sometimes I just hate my life.

Father,
Forgive my negative thoughts about You. Place back in my heart a steady and true fatih in you. Bless me with you gracious love and comfort and provide for my every need. For you are the one true Creator. You are the Father, and you are my hope. I beg of you Father to grant me a job that you deem worthy for me and my faith to you. I pray that you continue to stand by me and give me the strength I need to live my life to the fullest. You are a wonderful Father and a loving God. Please be near me and guide me through all of this.

Love, Your child

Hopeful

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 05:13:59 GMT

Yesterday I applied for a job at a Christian bookstore. My roommate was out and saw that they were hiring and picked up an application for me. I feel this would be a great place to work. I love books, and it is a Christian bookstore, which I think will help with fellowship with other Christians. I am so praying right now that God will answer my prayers about a job with this place. It is getting to the point where I am not going to have any money of my own to pay rent and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't ask my mom for money again. It was a horrible experience last time it happened. I mean we worked it out and all, but still, it was hard.

So all my prayers are going up to God, and I pray that you answer them with this ideal job. And if it isnt PLEASE provide one that you have in mind for me. I am at the end of my rope and you are the only one that can pull me through.

Undecided

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 01:13:00 GMT

I am wondering what I should do. My roommate likes the church that we went to, and that's where she'll go tomorrow. Now I'm not sure if I should go back and try again or if I should go with the first feelings I had about the place. You see, I don't drive and so I need to go where my roommate goes. So what if I don't like it? I'm supposed to attend a church I don't like, that I don't feel connected? I guess it is better than not going to church at all, but is that what's important. How do you obtain a true connection with God it you don't like or feel comfortable in the church you are at? I know I need to go to church, but I want to enjoy going, the going to be something that I look forward to, not something I have to do. I know that God said things weren't meant to be easy, but I wish it was a little easier than it is.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 02:22:38 GMT

So I went to church tonight with my roommate. It was okay. I really didn't feel a connection like I had hoped. I knew one of the 6 songs they did and that song was performed as a solo act so I didn't sing at all. That's my favorite part of church is the worship. And I didn't take communion as I just couldn't put my whole heart into it. I just felt out of touch, out of the circle. I told that to my roommate and she seemed disappointed that I didn't like it, as she does. But she told me that I really can't go by a Wednesday night service because its nothing like Sunday. I don't know....shouldn't I have felt something, even a little something at the service no matter what day it is?

At any rate, I did get something out of it...they talked about the different names of God in the Bible and one of them is Abba which, when translated, is a lot like daddy. So I am going to end this entry with a song by Peder Eied.

Abba I belong to You,
I belong to You.
Abba Father.
Abba I belong to You,
I belong to You.
Abba Father God.

I kneel now,
And feel how I've felt here before.
This pausing,
Is causingmy heart to explore.
Why when I'm weary so often you seem far away,
Still I will say. (chorus)

Tue, 31 May 2005 22:28:12 GMT

Have I done something wrong that has turned God away from me? Why am I still looking for a job and why is there a emptiness in me that I can't seem to fill. Not with praying, not with reading the Bible, nothing. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with this pain that fills my heart. I try so hard, and mayne in the end that is my problem. Maybe I am working to hard and just need to stop and look at what's in front of me. I just wish that I could hear what God is telling me to do. My heart longs, it crys, out to God to give me guidance, to give me strength but yet I sit empty handed and I know it is because I am not listening. I don't think I know how to listen. Or maybe it is because I lack the patience to listen. I don't know, but I wish whatever I was doing wrong would just go away. I want to go back to my relationship that I had with God, but I've gotten lost along the way.

Please Father, help me find my way back to you. Have mercy on me, a child that is lost and feel so alone. Grant me guidance and understanding as I follow the path that will lead me back to your loving arms. Protect me with you amazing love and grant me grace as I stumble.

Bible Studies

Fri, 27 May 2005 22:22:00 GMT

I was in the Christian book store yesterday and made my way to the Bible study area. I so want a new study and something that can relate more to what I'm going through than the ones that I own now. But as I was looking, I couldn't believe how much they cost! Eight dollars for a 12 lesson study? Now I know this is how they make their money, their living, but I can't afford 8 dollars for a study like that. You see the ones that I have I bought at conferences and camps so they were discounted prices. I miss those days in college. Oh well, once I have a job and can get everything back in order maybe then I can get a study. But for now I guess I'll just use the ones I have.

Prayer

Mon, 23 May 2005 02:43:53 GMT

Father God,

Please grant me grace and understanding as I go through life. I feel so lost right now that I don't know what to do with myself. Please let me get a job soon as I have applied at several more places. I am laying this in your hands, I'm turning it all over to you, to do with as you please.

Thank you for the fight with my mom today as it pointed out how badly I need to get my act together. And thank you even more for her calling back and saying that she was sorry. Thank you for breaking our hearts to others God, for giving us feelings towards others. Thank you Lord for the love of my mom.

God just be with me as I start this week and help me see it through your eyes. Help heal me of this emptiness that I feel and the loneliness that is tugging at my heart. Open my heart to your word and your guidance. Give me peace and reason for hope as I look toward the future.

I love you more than I can say, so Lord God look to my heart and may you feel truly blessed at what you see there.

Amen

life in general

Sun, 22 May 2005 01:23:22 GMT

Well, I have nothing new to report. Life is going on as it should, but yet I feel like I am being left behind. I don't know why. It's not like I am doing anything different than anyone else or anything like that. (Well I am, but you know what I mean) I just feel empty right now and I don't know why. I've been praying for God to fill this emptiness that has been building inside of me. I think the part that scares me the most is that I don't know what that emptiness is. I don't even know how to pray to have it filled. I know God knows my heart and what is truly bothering me, and I know that in His time he will let me know. Its just so frustrating you know?

I think I'm going to watch a movie. Get lost in someone else's problems for a while! LOL

Been a while

Tue, 17 May 2005 02:42:42 GMT

Yeah, I know its been a few days since I've updated in here. But really there isn't anything to tell. I went to a coffeehouse (Christian one) Friday night with my roommate and a girl she works with. There was a really good band there. Had a white chocolate mocha and a really good time. I am glad that I went.

So I am thinking that I might be switching banks. Not sure yet though. I just don't really like the one I am through and want something different.

And our cellphone plans are a mess. Man, I just want to cancel it right now, but alas that isn't going to happen because I don't have $175 to cancel it. We were under AT&T, which merged with Cingular. So we thought that we would just switch over to Cingular, no big deal. Oh no. Turns out that the town we live isn't going over to Cingular, but Altel. (I'm not going to get into that whole thing.) So we moved to another town and figure that since we are switching numbers and all that, we should be okay switching over to Cingular. Nope, wrong again. Turns out that Altel bought our contract from Cingular, and thus we are already under contract with them. So we had to cancel our new Cingular contract and are now stuck with Altel. Not happy. And I don't know if any of that made sense, but oh well. :-P

Ok, that's is for now. I am going to go and work on some writing. Don't know what kind of writing yet, but I am going to do some!

A lot of nothing

Fri, 13 May 2005 02:21:43 GMT

That's what I feel like today. A small nobody. I can't even get ahold of the lady about my parttime job. I guess that could be God's way of saying that He has something bigger and better for me, but I don't see anything yet and I need to pay my bills. Oh well, I need to start trusting him more on things like this because He is the one that will lead me to where I need to be.

Other than that today wasn't too bad. I've been thinking a lot about different things...I know scary! But I'm starting to get a clearer picture about things. I am thinking that I may go back to school for graphic design. I'm still way new at it, but the little stuff I have figured out, I really enjoy. There is a small ITT Tech school right next to the apartments. Maybe I should check them out.....

Forever alone?

Thu, 12 May 2005 03:18:37 GMT

I am 28 years old and I feel it. Actually I feel more like 80 as of late but that's a different story. This entry is about love. Now I know that God loves me unconditionally, but am I not to have that same kind of love from a guy. Am I destined never to get married? Am I truly to be alone for the rest of my life?

I know that God'd love is enough. And yes, in some cases God chooses people to be single. It is part of their calling in life. But what if I don't feel that to be my calling. Could it be that it is my calling and I'm just not listening to God because I so want to be with someone? I don't want to be alone here on earth for the rest of my days. I want someone to walk with, someone to talk with, someone to grow old with. Am I asking too much out of life? Please God, don't let me be alone forever.

I don't know what else to say about this. I just have this empty feeling in my life right now. I don't know, maybe its because I haven't been relying on God like I am supposed to be. Or maybe, just maybe, God gave me that emptiness so that when the time comes I will be able to apperciate the love all the more. I don't know. I don't know what God has planned for me. But I do know that He does have plans. He even tells me that in the Bible. It is awesome to serve a God that has plans for each one of His children. How lucky I am to serve my God!

Father God, please fill the void that I am feeling in my heart right now. Whether it be with a new direction for You or perhaps the love you picked especially for me. I don't which it is Father, but please grant me peace over this matter as I can't seem to think of anything else right now. I can't focus. Please Father, I need your help. I come to you on my knees pleading for guidance...

Time of renewal

Tue, 10 May 2005 22:31:30 GMT

Spring a time of rebirth, of renewal. Everywhere you look there are babies of various kinds. We have baby ducks on the lake by the apartment. What cute little things they are! But this brings another kind of renewal to mind. The renewal of the mind and spirit. We sometimes forget that we need time to renew those things as well. I know that I forget. Its not good as it can leave us dry and with purpose.

So as spring renews nature around us, so is now a good time to renew my relationship with God. For Jesus said that he is the spring of eternal life. It is only through Him that we will be able to have the right to enter Heaven. For no one gets to the Father except through Christ our Lord. I don't know if this really make sense. I feel that in a way that I am babbling. But I am just writing what I feel. It is a starnge thing.

I am a writer by nature, and according to Bemidji State through who I got my degree. Of course the gift of writing itself comes from God himself. I truly hope that God let me use that gift to bring glory to him. But I also know that if I am to use that gift, it will be in God's time and His time alone.

Wow, back to time. I have the hardest time with letting things come in God's time and not trying to push it to happen in mine. I need more patience in that area that is for sure.

Heavenly Father, please grant my soul the renewal it needs through your Son. May you bless the time I spend with you and give me clear guidance as to what you want of me. Lord, please grant me patience to accept things in YOUR time and not mine. Allow me to enjoy the life you have given me and the life that I will have with you in Heaven. Blessed be your name...

Wondering

Tue, 10 May 2005 00:16:29 GMT

So, I'm wondering how to to about this new leap of faith. I know that I need to get back into reading my Bible and I'm going to look through my Bible studies and start one of those. I think I have a study called Meeting Jesus. That is a good place to start. I guess for right now, I have some of my bases covered. This weekend I'll go with my roommate to the church she found last weekend and see if I like that. That's what stinks about moving. You have to find a new church that you like and "works" with you so to speak.

Maybe I will start putting my Bible studies in here. It depends on how much work that would be. ;-) And a lot of that depends on how personal it is. A person's faith is a very peronal thing and I don't feel anyone should have to put what they feel is private out in the open. I don't care how strong a Christian you are. You need that private time and space with Jesus. Just a time of the two of you together and the rest of the world is shut out.

So I am off for now to see what I can find in my studies. (I just moved so everything isn't unpacked yet.) Maybe God will lead me to the just right for me study.

Heavenly Father, please guide me as I start this new time in my faith. Give me courage to see your will for me and the weakness to obey it. For as you say your strength is made perfect in weakness. Open the eyes of my heart and let me see you and your plan for me. Let me become a truly devoted follower of Christ. With all my heart and soul.

Finally! lol

Mon, 09 May 2005 21:18:15 GMT

I finally figured out how to load my new layout to my journal! Now, I don't know if I'll ever figure out how to get another one up. lol I got this layout from christianstyles. Check it out. (Yep a little promoting hehe)

A big thank you!

Mon, 09 May 2005 20:54:43 GMT

A big thank you goes out to hope_healing! She upgraded my account for 2 months! What a sweetie! Oh yeah...make sure you check out her community. Its a Christian-based layout community. It is way cool! :-) Oh the link to that is christianstyles. Have a great day and may you find the riches of God in everything!

Defying Gravity

Mon, 09 May 2005 07:43:10 GMT

You know I probably pick up my biggest faith triggers from the wierdest places. There is a musical called Wicked. There is a song called Defying Gravity. Basically it talks about not going by other peoples games and doing what we feel is right. Even though this song is sang by the Wicked WItch of the West, the words of the song can be applied to anyone. My favorite line from it is the following...."even if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free." I feel those words apply to me right now. I need to spread my wings and fly and not worry so much about what others feel about me.

How does this apply to my faith, you may ask? Well its just this. I have to stop caring if people are going to think weirdly of me if I tell them I'm a Christian. I can't back into a little corner and watch the rest of the world pass by. I need to jump, or should I say leap, into my faith. I need to try and defy gravity. I need to fly free and be my own person. A child in Christ, a dedicated follower of God.

Wow that is a big thing to do. But I know that together with God, I can be totally unlimited. The possibilites are endless. To be at that stage of my faith would be wonderful, would be gratifying, would be so freeing. I know that I will never live to regret the changes that I am about to make. God will make sure that the rewards will be much higher than any pain or sorrow that I may have to face. For I am a child of a living God and that makes me more cherished or loved than anything in the world. And there is nothing in the world I would rather be.

I'm moving up!

Mon, 09 May 2005 05:06:08 GMT

I made my first animated icon today! I based it on the musical Wicked. I love it. I am pretty impressed with my first try! :-)

Where am I going?

Mon, 09 May 2005 03:38:01 GMT

I often wonder that as I look at my life. I really don't know where I am headed or how I am to get there. I know that I am supposed to put my trust in God, for He has plans for me. But its hard for me to do that. I just can't seem to put my full faith into my, well, faith. I try so hard to put my heart in the hands of Jesus, and yet something is always pulling me back. Its like I never get the full wonderfulness that is our creator. I know that deep in my heart that the only one thing that can do that is Satan himself. And when I realize this I feel weak. I feel I let my God down. I feel that He won't want me back after I turned on Him.

Right now I am at a time in my faith that I either need to step up to the plate or go back to the batting box. No, I will never believe in anything else but my Lord Jesus. I just think that if I go back to the basics of it and start over that maybe I can figure out what went wrong the first time around. I think it will help too, once I start going back to church and having relationships with other Christians again. I do think that is part of my problem. I am surrounded so much by the world and not enough by the arms of Jesus.

So Father, here is the cry of my heart. Help me start over and be that excited new Christian who wants to let others know about you, who isn't afraid to step out of my box. Help me be the child you deserve and look for. Help me be a follower with the child like faith that you so crave.

Love you so much my Father, Your child