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[July 1st, 2005 † 12:25am] |
Well Monday I had a job interview at a Christian bookstore, but I won't know anything about it for probably a couple of weeks. *Sigh* who knew finding a job in a city of 120,000 would be this hard!? I put my resume in a couple of other places too so I am just praying that something comes out of it. I am tired of not having a job and not having any money. Maybe I should just move back home and work at the same place my mom does. I could always mail Heather half of the rent each month and she would have this place to herself, but I don't want to leave her along here either. Life is so full of choices and right now I am stuck on what choice to make....
Current Mood:  confused
Current Music: Grease Soundtrack
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| Losing it |
[June 20th, 2005 † 06:22am] |
I think I'm losing any and all faith that I had. I just can't seem to do anything right as of late and its starting to make me very upset. I am still looking for a job and even though I have prayed, pleaded, and even begged, God for help on this, nothing seems to be coming out of it. It is coming to the end of the month and now I have no job, which means I have no money to pay rent and my bills. And I mean NO money. I can't think of asking my mom again. She's already helped me more than enough and I just hate myself for even thinking about asking her again. And she's already gotten upset with me once for not having a job and what not.
Really, how is this fair to me. How long must God feel He has to test me? I don't understand it all. I've been in tears, I've been angry, I have been happy and just saying that God will grant me a job in time, but nothing has happened. Am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Has God turned his back on me for some strange reason. Does God even exist?! No, I didn't just say that. I know that He does, I know that He love me, I know that He would NEVER turn His back on me. I just feel so lost and alone right now that I don't know what I am going to do. Sometimes I just hate my life.
Father,
Forgive my negative thoughts about You. Place back in my heart a steady and true fatih in you. Bless me with you gracious love and comfort and provide for my every need. For you are the one true Creator. You are the Father, and you are my hope. I beg of you Father to grant me a job that you deem worthy for me and my faith to you. I pray that you continue to stand by me and give me the strength I need to live my life to the fullest. You are a wonderful Father and a loving God. Please be near me and guide me through all of this.
Love, Your child
Current Mood:  pessimistic
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| Hopeful |
[June 15th, 2005 † 12:09am] |
Yesterday I applied for a job at a Christian bookstore. My roommate was out and saw that they were hiring and picked up an application for me. I feel this would be a great place to work. I love books, and it is a Christian bookstore, which I think will help with fellowship with other Christians. I am so praying right now that God will answer my prayers about a job with this place. It is getting to the point where I am not going to have any money of my own to pay rent and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't ask my mom for money again. It was a horrible experience last time it happened. I mean we worked it out and all, but still, it was hard.
So all my prayers are going up to God, and I pray that you answer them with this ideal job. And if it isnt PLEASE provide one that you have in mind for me. I am at the end of my rope and you are the only one that can pull me through.
Current Mood:  tired
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| Undecided |
[June 4th, 2005 † 08:08pm] |
I am wondering what I should do. My roommate likes the church that we went to, and that's where she'll go tomorrow. Now I'm not sure if I should go back and try again or if I should go with the first feelings I had about the place. You see, I don't drive and so I need to go where my roommate goes. So what if I don't like it? I'm supposed to attend a church I don't like, that I don't feel connected? I guess it is better than not going to church at all, but is that what's important. How do you obtain a true connection with God it you don't like or feel comfortable in the church you are at? I know I need to go to church, but I want to enjoy going, the going to be something that I look forward to, not something I have to do. I know that God said things weren't meant to be easy, but I wish it was a little easier than it is.
Current Mood: thoughtful
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[June 1st, 2005 † 08:59pm] |
So I went to church tonight with my roommate. It was okay. I really didn't feel a connection like I had hoped. I knew one of the 6 songs they did and that song was performed as a solo act so I didn't sing at all. That's my favorite part of church is the worship. And I didn't take communion as I just couldn't put my whole heart into it. I just felt out of touch, out of the circle. I told that to my roommate and she seemed disappointed that I didn't like it, as she does. But she told me that I really can't go by a Wednesday night service because its nothing like Sunday. I don't know....shouldn't I have felt something, even a little something at the service no matter what day it is?
At any rate, I did get something out of it...they talked about the different names of God in the Bible and one of them is Abba which, when translated, is a lot like daddy. So I am going to end this entry with a song by Peder Eied.
Abba I belong to You,
I belong to You.
Abba Father.
Abba I belong to You,
I belong to You.
Abba Father God.
I kneel now,
And feel how I've felt here before.
This pausing,
Is causingmy heart to explore.
Why when I'm weary so often you seem far away,
Still I will say. (chorus)
Current Mood: melancholy
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[May 31st, 2005 † 05:22pm] |
Have I done something wrong that has turned God away from me? Why am I still looking for a job and why is there a emptiness in me that I can't seem to fill. Not with praying, not with reading the Bible, nothing. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with this pain that fills my heart. I try so hard, and mayne in the end that is my problem. Maybe I am working to hard and just need to stop and look at what's in front of me. I just wish that I could hear what God is telling me to do. My heart longs, it crys, out to God to give me guidance, to give me strength but yet I sit empty handed and I know it is because I am not listening. I don't think I know how to listen. Or maybe it is because I lack the patience to listen. I don't know, but I wish whatever I was doing wrong would just go away. I want to go back to my relationship that I had with God, but I've gotten lost along the way.
Please Father, help me find my way back to you. Have mercy on me, a child that is lost and feel so alone. Grant me guidance and understanding as I follow the path that will lead me back to your loving arms. Protect me with you amazing love and grant me grace as I stumble.
Current Mood:  frustrated
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| Bible Studies |
[May 27th, 2005 † 05:18pm] |
I was in the Christian book store yesterday and made my way to the Bible study area. I so want a new study and something that can relate more to what I'm going through than the ones that I own now. But as I was looking, I couldn't believe how much they cost! Eight dollars for a 12 lesson study? Now I know this is how they make their money, their living, but I can't afford 8 dollars for a study like that. You see the ones that I have I bought at conferences and camps so they were discounted prices. I miss those days in college. Oh well, once I have a job and can get everything back in order maybe then I can get a study. But for now I guess I'll just use the ones I have.
Current Mood: disappointed
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| Prayer |
[May 22nd, 2005 † 09:38pm] |
Father God,
Please grant me grace and understanding as I go through life. I feel so lost right now that I don't know what to do with myself. Please let me get a job soon as I have applied at several more places. I am laying this in your hands, I'm turning it all over to you, to do with as you please.
Thank you for the fight with my mom today as it pointed out how badly I need to get my act together. And thank you even more for her calling back and saying that she was sorry. Thank you for breaking our hearts to others God, for giving us feelings towards others. Thank you Lord for the love of my mom.
God just be with me as I start this week and help me see it through your eyes. Help heal me of this emptiness that I feel and the loneliness that is tugging at my heart. Open my heart to your word and your guidance. Give me peace and reason for hope as I look toward the future.
I love you more than I can say, so Lord God look to my heart and may you feel truly blessed at what you see there.
Amen
Current Mood:  distressed
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| life in general |
[May 21st, 2005 † 08:19pm] |
Well, I have nothing new to report. Life is going on as it should, but yet I feel like I am being left behind. I don't know why. It's not like I am doing anything different than anyone else or anything like that. (Well I am, but you know what I mean) I just feel empty right now and I don't know why. I've been praying for God to fill this emptiness that has been building inside of me. I think the part that scares me the most is that I don't know what that emptiness is. I don't even know how to pray to have it filled. I know God knows my heart and what is truly bothering me, and I know that in His time he will let me know. Its just so frustrating you know?
I think I'm going to watch a movie. Get lost in someone else's problems for a while! LOL
Current Mood: confused
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| Been a while |
[May 16th, 2005 † 09:35pm] |
Yeah, I know its been a few days since I've updated in here. But really there isn't anything to tell. I went to a coffeehouse (Christian one) Friday night with my roommate and a girl she works with. There was a really good band there. Had a white chocolate mocha and a really good time. I am glad that I went.
( Read More Here )
Current Mood: cranky
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